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Friday, 26 October 2012

"Adventures 'And Embarrassments' In Legal Land" Part 3 of the story

"God's of Justice, Driving Ban's, Orders,
& Star Chambers"

Bridget Shaw is....The Queen Of Pirates
Cyril "the squirrel" was in court again today after failing to appear yesterday for sentencing in the Magistrates court. His refusal to attend their business meeting was the fact that there was no Lawful Warrant issued for him to do so. All Cyril had received was a compliment slip from our dopey police force, and a piece of rubber stamped commercial paper from a Ltd Liability Company known as the Viscounts Department! A signed (by a judge) and stamped 'bench warrant' would have sufficed.

Part 1

Part 2

So Cyril, on my advice, attended court this morning therefore avoiding a weekend with the boys from Bowron. The policy-men immediately seized the alleged Chattel known as MR CYRIL VIBERT who was cluttering up the dock, and placed it safely in their warehouse for temporary storage. I, on the other hand, went to the headland where I watched their Citizen-Ship of Commerce practicing it's manoeuvring capabilities out on the ocean. It was circling another drowning man (accused person) who had been made to walk the plank, and who only lasted another two hours before he too, was lost at sea!

I sat in the part of the court know as dry land (the public gallery) and was accosted by the court usher who went through the usual rigmarole with me.

Have you got a cell phone?
Yes thank you!
Is it switched off?
I don't know!
Can you switch it off?
Yes I can!
Can you make sure it's switched off now?
I really want to record this session of court!

Lizard man, and court greffe (David Le Hueze) then showed up and demanded I turn my phone off, and the little fella (court usher) seemed to be bleating in unison at me. If either of them had shut their pie-holes, and opened their eyes and ears, they would have noticed me turning the phone off right in front of them. Le Heuze then swanned off in his pretty black frock, opened the embarkation gate, and walked up the gangplank to board his ship.

Bridget Shaw (Ships Captain) then started to bark orders at her imaginary friend MR IAN EVANS who had not answered as he is really a flesh and blood man, and not a legal fiction that does not inhabit the real world. Bridget started getting flustered and told me I would be arrested for contempt of court, I replied that I was never contemptuous in court but would stand my ground. I also stated that I had every right to be in court, but Captain Bridget rebutted this, and she was correct in doing so as I did not have any right to be there as this was
"Her....Star Chamber". More about that later....

She then summoned three of her galley slaves (policy-men) to deal with the matter, at this point I had to hand my (switched off) phone over to the policy-men to store in their chattel warehouse as Captain Bridget did not want to run the risk of me recording anything that was uttered in court. As many readers are aware from our previous postings, the Jersey courts have an insatiable appetite for doctoring trial tapes before they are shipped off to England for transcription! Doctoring trial tapes is done for two reasons....Firstly, it is always wise to mask the criminality of what is actually said in court....And secondly, what is masked will be invisible, even from the crow's nest, to any appeals court.

So....all these shenanigans and Cyril "the squirrel" hadn't even appeared yet! This is the extent of the turmoil going on in our courts when two mere tradesmen start to learn "their rules of engagement!"

Now Over To The Squirrel

Allegedly, I was due in Court yesterday to be sentenced for non- parking tickets, as I had received no lawful court order to require my attendance, like a document with a judges signature on it, I therefore did not attend. Acting on a tip off, I phoned the 'Viscount’s Department Ltd' to find out if they had an arrest order for me.
Kevin from the Viscounts told me there was, and if I didn’t go to the office for my business meeting I would be arrested by the Policy-men and spend the weekend in jail (police cells). This sounded like a threat to me, so as planned, with Ian, we headed them off at the pass by going to Court at 11am today.
PC Steve Bisson opened up the warehouse and placed me in storage, a very nervous Centenier Huelin came to charge me with contempt of Court, which of course,
"I did not understand."
At 2:35pm I was taken out of storage and unpacked on the dock.
After the usual title (Mr) rigmarole Bridget Shaw asked the Centenier to read out two more parking charges, again I did not understand.
Much to my surprise Bridget answered yes to my question “are you operating in you capacity as a Magistrate at this time”, there’s a first!
When asked how I pleaded to the contempt, Bridget went puce as I replied “I do not plea in Star Chambers” she got the same answer to questions of me pleading to the two parking charges, this seemed to unnerve her somewhat.
Bridget decided to enter a not guilty plea for me, “Objection” I said, “It is for me or my representative to enter a plea, are you claiming to act as my representative here today?”
Bridget: "No."  Me: “In that case are you making a judicial determination that I am not guilty of these charges?” Bridget: "No." Me: “I do not understand any of your mumbo jumbo and do not consent to any of this.”
I announced for the record that I waive my right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law”
As Contempt of Court is an imprisonable offence I claimed the right to a trial by Jury, this was refused, but will be most definitely claimed again.
Captain Bridget Shaw
Bridget then turned to Slick O’Donnell (for the Crown) inquiring about available dates for the ‘trial’ and being the incompetent bed wetter he is, he wasn’t prepared, so it was back to the hold for me whilst Slick pleaded with the Greffe to get him out of the vraic.
Unpacked once more, the gruesome twosome had agreed that Thursday 1st November @2:30pm was ok for them, she told me to appear at that time on that date. “Is that an order?” I asked, she said I was required to be there. “Madam” I said “ I would be only too happy to appear if you order me to.” Bridget; “I don’t know what you mean by order.” (does this phrase sound familiar to readers?).
Me; “Well Madam, if you say I order you to be here next Thursday @2:30pm, I would take that as a lawful order.” Bridget; “you have been told.”
Me; “Why won’t you issue a simple order? Is it because you are not acting as a magistrate at this time and you are in fact acting as an agent for the private BAR Guild, and who’s intention it is to commit fraud on me?”
Eggy Lemon!
Her face changed colour faster than a chameleon, Slick O'Donnell came to the rescue jabbering about bail conditions, he even talked of remanding me in custody, I couldn’t help myself and laughed out loud. Slick then suggested that as there was a real risk of me committing the heinous act of parking without a pay card again, so I should not be allowed to drive before the ‘trial’!!!

 "Restriction of trade be damned, he's a menace I tell you!"

Hilariously Bridget agreed. Obviously your humble local chapter member of Al-Qaeda cannot be allowed to terrorise people in his Wagon of Mass Destruction.
By now there was a real danger of me collapsing into fits of laughter, so I agreed I would not "Drive" (operate a vehicle for profit), that does not mean I will not travel in my conveyance of choice when it suits me. I cannot find a statute rescinding that particular inalienable right to travel :)
What happened regarding the sentencing I was to receive yesterday???

Bridget and Slick O'Donnell, the twin infallible Gods of Justice, just forgot!!!
Cyril "le squirrel"


  1. "Bridget and Slick O'Donnell, the twin infallible Gods of Justice, just forgot!!!"

    I'm sorry, I just burst out loud laughing.
    Bravo Zulu men of Vibert and Evans.

    The Beano is not the Rag

  2. Exellent, would it not wise for Magistrate corporate sole Shaw to ask her collegue also a corporate sole to chip in and pay the parking fine as he is now in prison but getting paid £2,000 a week by the taxpayers. This would also let her off the hook.

    That is almost as crazy as the carry on in court.

    They don't have a legal answer to you two ? so far or do they ?

    If I end up in court I will be seeking your advice, and be a sodden pain in the neck. Hopefully they will all
    bug**r of to Barbados where Bailache is making friends, hopefully for his great escape with big Jersey pension, is Ogley there by the way.

    1. The only answer they have to us is Bridget's trite phrase...."I Don't Know What You Mean."

  3. “Why won’t you issue a simple order? Is it because you are not acting as a magistrate at this time and you are in fact acting as an agent for the private BAR Guild, and who’s intention is to commit fraud on me?”

    Bridget once challenged should of recused herself as being conflicted.

    1. Captain Bridget doesn't do recusing, I asked her to do that months ago in my case when she was conflicted.

      her reply was that she was not conflicted, and would not recuse herself.

      Not conflicted huh? I had complaints in against her for contempt of court, abuse of process, fraud, and treason....How could she possibly be conflicted in the hearing of my case?

      "You just couldn,t make this sh*t up!"

  4. Squirrel & the legal beagle bang on the button!

  5. Thank you anon for your link which was "not for publication". I will pass this on to Cyril and rest assured that your comment has been deleted, many thanks :)

    1. An excellent posting too I might add :)

  6. Ian I still see the comment I made at 1:10? Not for publication

    1. It's gone now but you didn't put "not for publication" on it! You put "not for publication" on the comment with the link on it???

      I couldn't help but be confused!!!

  7. What the fuck. She and her cohort have basically banned cyril from driving over a parking ticket? Am I right on this? If so it is my opinion she should have told slick to grow up. It really sounds like we have a couple of school kids running things on the good ship jersey magistrates court.

  8. The best posting yet. Even had me laughing. Classic. We are on a pincer movement and the tide is turning. Go get em..


  9. I have been laughing out loud long after reading this... Fantastic writing.... Awesome bedtime story as well :) I like pirate tales....

  10. It is my understanding that anyone banned from driving has to inform his insurance and also take another test before driving again,am I right or am I right.

  11. Yes, but Cyril has not been banned from driving as he has committed no driving offence under any of their bullshit statutory regulations. This is just crap that Captain Bridget and Slick O'Donnell have dreamed up in the realms of their deluded subconscious! Lawlessness and tyranny at it's usual worst in crooked Jersey....

    1. Look at it this way, how can you be banned from driving simply because you may possibly incur a parking ticket!!!

      These people are nothing but psycho's thinking they can do what they want, and when they want, to who ever they want. All that has been achieved is that Captain Bridget & the gullible Slick O'Donnell have now encumbered themselves with more complaints of wrongdoing....

  12. If I were Cyril I would carry on driving,and as he would not be breaking any law, and has not broken any law, see how Captain Bridget deals with need a very good reason to remove someones licence ie that they have broken some law,I know how difficult it is for a Constable to remove someones licence because of old age,what ever you do in court Cyril don,t fart, she,ll order your ass be sewn up.

  13. I hope you have witnesses and this " you are not alive to drive ban ' actually appears in the court transcrips.

    Then Magistrate Shaw will have no legs to stand on, as the local media will have no choice but to publish this to the wider public.

    Then her troubles will truly begin.

    In the UK she would be probably be suspended pending an apology or sacked for being incompetant.

  14. Brill your both showing the charade for what it is. Live long and prosper : )

  15. Believe me Bridget (un)Shaw seems to be a bit of a joke in the legal profession. I was told she holds NO qualification in Jersey law, so she is qualified to the same degree as everyone else on the street. Qualified in Jersey law to the same same as my cat actually! Yet, she sits and 'interprets' Jersey law?! How can that be? I also believe that she has never done a days defence work before she became a magistrate (she was Slick's understudy/colleague) so, if you are unfortunate enough to be charged, you MUST be guilty because the feds wouldn't have charged otherwise.

    Has an audit ever been done to see how many people she has found to be not guilty of all the charges?

    When I had the misfortune to be picked up by the fuzz (a painful experience, trust me) the first thing my legal aid lawyer did was to find out if Mad Bridget was sitting on the day I was hauled up. She said I'd have a 'more sensible' conclusion to my predicament if anyone other than MB was in the big chair.

    I would also like to know the answer to this question. The prosecutor O'Donnell and (un)Shaw are employed by the same entity. How can this not be a conflict? Just a thought.

    1. Thanks anon @12:13,

      That certainly makes sense, the Law Society of Jersey has confirmed that Bridget Shaw is NOT a member.

      Boy oh boy, will I roast that criminal cretin if I am dragged before her again - ooohh the delicous possibilities! You've made my day anon.

      As for the conflict, of course you're right, both work for the same body corporate.

      By the way,did you know that the Viscount Dept. (subsidiary of SoJ Inc.) only accepts cash in court.

      Public notice to follow.


  16. The viscounts Deptartment only receives Cash? Is this money then banked into the criminal confiscation fund or is that a seperate entity?

    Where can find out how much cash is held by the viscounts department:)

    1. Yup, they only take cash. They will even let you go to the hole in the wall from court! Where this money goes God only knows, and I can't see anyone giving the plebs access to their accounting process, if they even have one?

    2. Actually, a third of this money goes to the Queen but the States have recently taken this information down off their website :)

  17. o'donnell and shaw weren't even consulted about the prosecutions of police officers when they actually worked for the police and in the same building, speaks volumes about their (in) abilities!, i think it is a well known fact that only failing or retiring local lawyers go for 'police advisor' jobs (pays crap compared to hill street) and the ones that can't get a job at the Kremlin go to be solicitor general!

  18. wasn't ian (2k a week inside) christmas an ex.police legal advisor?

  19. I can't wait to read about this in the Jersey Evening Filthy Rag.
    Oh, wait.......... ;)