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Friday, 1 April 2011

"Noah Lives In Jersey Now"

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Jersey, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed planning consent. I've been arguing with the States Of Jersey Fire & Rescue Department about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the planning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Jersey Planning & Environment Department for a decision.

Then, the Jersey Electric Company demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Jersey Men Of The Trees say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system..

I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The Jersey Transport & Technical Services Department said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.

Then the Jersey Planning & Environment Department ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

The Jersey Housing Department has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they have the necessary right to work documentation .

To make matters worse, Jersey's Immigration and Income Tax authorities seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the island illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The States of Jersey has beaten me to it."


  1. My profound thanks to Maria xxx

  2. Superb.

    God didn't enquire about whether he could swing Category K status for Noah, I presume... which would have meant the ark being as ugly as hell and finished in a week :-o

  3. Could have had it at La Collette, built by van-loads of Polish, no problem :)

  4. Most welcome Ian.. and fantastic picture attached. Very clever. I knew you would appreciate it :) xx

  5. Could have had one built at St.Aubin out of cricket bats by Frank Almighty